Fear and failure in uncertain times

posted by Jeff | Wednesday, December 29, 2004, 12:28 AM | comments: 0

Tobe made an interesting point regarding my dreams where I can't seem to get a radio job right. He said he has those kinds of dreams when things are uncertain and he really wants something. With that connection, it's not so weird after all that I would have similar dreams.

I won't bullshit anyone... the first quarter of 2005 is going to be tough for me financially. I had some weak months in advertising, and those tough times trickle down to the next three months. Working for myself, whatever that's supposed to mean, is a risk that I knew would involve some financial uncertainty, but I guess sometimes it gets to me despite the fact that the "danger" is mostly in my head.

Which leads to the next point, namely wondering what exactly it is I'm doing. I accept that ad revenue and membership on CoasterBuzz will probably remain flat this year. So unless a couple dozen kids at every major university buy a CampusFish blog, I'd say that my Web properties aren't going to help a whole lot.

There are a couple of software products I hope to develop/finish, and I'm sure those will lead to additional cash. Those won't come until the end of the quarter though.

I've also got the book launching in mid-March, which means I'll hopefully see some royalties by July. I just submitted another book proposal, so if that comes through, perhaps I can score an advance.

So to make things clear in my own head, there are two fundamental issues causing my fear and uncertainty: One is the non-concrete plan to really making a living, and the second is the financial uncertainty caused by that lack of a plan. The thing is, I should know from managing projects at various jobs that making a plan with actionable items usually moves things forward.

On a less important scale, or maybe not, I've been thinking a lot about volleyball too. I have high hopes for my kids this year (as I do every year), and there's a volleyball-related opportunity I'm going to pursue soon.

Now if only I could apply the same child-like wonder and awe I had when I graduated from college. I need that kick in the ass to get moving again!


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