Me? Self-conscious?

posted by Jeff | Tuesday, April 26, 2011, 11:58 PM | comments: 0

I've noticed lately that I've backed off blogging to a huge extent. Some of it is just a time issue, as you might expect. With a toddler bouncing off the walls and a new job, plus any other number of things I enjoy taking time, I'm just not doing it as much.

But there's also another factor. I'm actually thinking a lot about what I want to spill and how it might be received. That's insane. One of the reasons I've enjoyed blogging, and apparently one of the reasons so many people read this stuff, is because I tend to put out a level of honesty that is completely raw. Sure, there are some things you won't find if you look back. I never talked much about my divorce, break-ups, or certain relationships at all. I've only gone into limited detail about some of my former employers. But generally speaking, I tend to say what's on my mind.

I haven't been doing that. I've been avoiding writing big rants or expressing displeasure, because some part of me feels that, in the context of my life, and compared to others, I have no "right" to do any complaining. What a huge load of bullshit that is. It's bad when other people invalidate what you feel, but when you do it to yourself, that's tragic.

I also find myself waffling on what I believe. I know that this is just the ongoing process of growing up (even as I approach 40), but I miss those days when I had very clear beliefs and opinions. Now it's hard to be assertive. I don't feel like I stand for anything, and to some degree I devalue myself for that.

What it really comes down to is that I'm not outwardly processing life, and that's bad news. I'm not being honest with myself, and if I can't do that, I can't truly reach the level of happy functioning that I've worked so hard to cultivate. I have to stand up and say what I want, and feel free to act on it.


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