I was reflective about times in my life where it felt beyond great to be in the moment, and how important it is to be present. I still believe that, nothing has changed, but I feel borderline panicked about not having any big "things" on the calendar. No trips, special days, shows or anything else that I really enjoy. That's not a good feeling. (I do have some interviews that are being scheduled, which is good, but not the same thing.)
A large portion of this feeling is related to not working. I became very used to not having to prioritize fun things, which has been great for the purpose of trying new things, hobbies and such. It's unsurprising that my mind isn't exactly one stimulated by "playing in dirt," as they say. Another thing is the deeply ingrained feeling of responsibility I have to being a provider for my little family. I understand why I'm this way (because lots of therapy), and it's hard to pause or reduce that feeling. I feel like I'm not really doing that. Worse, I have to reconcile that with a growing feeling of following my bliss, for me, for whatever that means. That's really hard to act on when I can't even define it.
The usual line of questioning from my therapist starts with, "If you could be doing anything, right now, what would it be?" My brain immediately goes into thought spirals and I can't answer. I mean, the answer is probably, "Run a light show and make cocktails for all of my favorite people at a fundraiser for the arts and GKTW that's happening on a cruise around Norway," but that's not really a thing. (It's hilarious and frightening that my head could generate a sentence like that with little effort.) Ultimately, the negative feelings stem from not seeing a path to some reasonable variation of that.
What's odd about that is that, professionally, that sort of problem solving has been my job for a very long time. Whether writing software myself or leading a team to deliver something, by trade I reduce ambiguity and scope, break down problems into smaller chunks, apply known patterns or new ones, focus the execution and make things happen. I was pretty damn good at that in the last four years in particular. Why is it so hard to do that in my personal life? I guess it's like they say, a therapist can't counsel themselves.
The weeks leading up to that last cruise felt good even when I was idling, which doesn't feel good now because I wasn't really living in the moment. While I was on the ship, I developed the most vivid memories. I'm sure it isn't realistic to apply that expectation to every hour of every day, but it'd be great to get closer to that. To me, that's what living should look like, even when it involves the most simple things.
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